Mommy's Juice!: December 2012   

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Bet My Night SUCKED Worse Than Yours!


My husband has been out of town since Monday night for work.  Leaving me with the little monsters on my own.  He wasn't supposed to get back until tonight, but after hearing from me yesterday evening he immediately hopped in the car and drove home.  Mommy was at the breaking point!  And here is why:

I had to leave work early yesterday to take Jackson to the Dr..  The previous night he told me he was getting some tissue to blow his nose, he then returned to the living room to inform me the tissue was STUCK in his nose.  After attempts at removal I successfully pushed the tissue even further up and decided medical assistance was my best bet.

It took two nurses to hold down my screaming 4-year old while the doctor removed the intrusion, leaving me near tears and fully on edge.  The doctor also informed me that he had swimmer's ear and sent me to the pharmacy, both children in tow, to pick up a subscription.  At the pharmacy my little darlings decided to "change-up" some of the displays of medicines, further pushing Mommy to the edge.

Upon arrival at home I had a nice glass of wine on my mind as I went to get the boys out of the car.  Immediately after I took Trey's (my almost 2 year old) seat belt off he jumped into the front seat.  I shut his door and headed to driver's side to let him out that way.  Too late!!  In the seconds it took me to get there he had already locked the doors.  Panic began to creep as I realized not only were my keys still in the car, but my husband was four hours away with the other set of keys.

Apparently 911 doesn't respond to such emergencies unless the child is in distress.  Since Trey was literally laughing at me from the other side of the window as he was pretending to drive away, I assumed this wasn't distress and was told to call a locksmith.

Twenty minutes later the locksmith arrives.  At this point Trey is no longer finding the humor in his predicament and is crying hysterically in the car.  Again, Mommy is near breaking point but thinking that my glass of wine isn't that far off in the future.  That is until I met my locksmith, who arrived completely WASTED!  Slurring words, repeating sentences, the man was a mess!  After multiple attempts he was able to unlock the car and then asked if we could go inside and handle the payment.  Another twenty minutes later he was still in my living room, playing with my dog, asking me about my neighbors and reeking of booze!!  I literally had to open the front door as he was still standing in my kitchen and say, "you can go out this way."  Which he finally did, yet still hung out in the front yard with the dog for a few more minutes.

Totally at the end of my rope by this point I realized Trey was so scared in the car that he had actually pooped his pants.  Bath time!  I cleaned him up and put both boys in the bath.  Realizing I had a free moment I ran into the kitchen to pour the glass of wine destined to calm my nerves.  Only to hear a screeching "MOOOOMMMMYYY" coming from the bathroom before the final drops hit the glass.

I returned to find that Jackson had diarrhea in the tub!  All kids out, all toys out, full on clean up in motion.  Kids back in, fill again, back to the wine glass.  "MOOOMMMMYYY!!"  DAMN IF HE DIDN'T DO IT AGAIN!!!!

By the time the mess was re-cleaned, the children re-cleaned, and Mommy near tears, I go into the living room to put on the kid's jammies and find Trey pissing in the middle of the floor.  Seriously, seriously, seriously.

I did finally get a chance to drink my glass of wine, and a few after that.  The husband came home shortly after I put the kids to bed, sympathetic, yet with a grin.  I supposed I would be grinning too if the shoe had been on the other foot.  BUT IT WASN'T!

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

I Think I Like It Better When the Kids Hate Each Other



"I think I like it better when the kids hate each other."  This is the sentence I said to my husband the other night as the two of them came running into the living room butt naked, running around in circles and screaming at the top of their lungs.  You see, when the kids hate each other, one of them is always behaving. When they like each other, neither of them are ever behaving!

Although hard to imagine a 2-year old and 4-year old "hating" each other, this is possible for small periods of time throughout the day.  Whether fighting over the Thomas train, or who gets to wear the monkey hat, or how many fries one has stolen off the other's plate, there is always, in any of these circumstances one child that is behaving.  One is looking for the support from mom and dad to help them get what they want from the other.  One is pleading innocence with the sweet loving eyes of a child, suckering you in to believing every word out of their mouth.  While meanwhile the other is acting like he's just been released from San Quentin.

But when they "like" each other, there isn't a sweet loving eye in the house!  Just total and complete mayhem. Neither wants to behave because let's face it, behaving isn't fun.  We'd rather get naked and bust out your ear drums.  Or start a water fight in the bathtub that leaves the floor flooded, or hide in strange places only to jump out and scare the sh** out of you at the perfect moment.

Obviously I want my children to get along.  I sincerely hope that they are life-long best friends.  But I must admit, I certainly don't mind a little "hate" now and then, just so I can stare into the sweet loving eyes of at least one child at a time.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Lose the Shiny Nose!


It's official, Jingle Bells is now permanently stuck in my head!  I literally can not get that tune to stop playing over and over.  At work, at lunch, in bed, all I hear is "dancing through the snow," in the voice of Michael Buble.  This has to be some form of torture.  Some punishment for one of those all-night ragers in college or the time I locked myself in my room for a time out instead of the kids.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Christmas carols.  I can frequently be seen driving down the road belting "Oh, Holy Night" at the top of my lungs as if in front of a crowd at Rockefeller Center.  I have a stash of like six Christmas CDs in the car that literally just sit there eleven months out of the year, waiting for the day after Thanksgiving to arrive so they can start spinning again (wait, do CDs spin?).

This year I started with the Michael Buble CD, singing away to track 1, "It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas," with my boys in the back seat wondering what exactly was in mommy's coffee that morning.  Then came track 2, "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town."  Mommy is on a roll now!  Now on to track 3, and the fun continues with "Jingle Bells!"  On to track.. wait, what was that from the backseat?  Oh, you want Jingle Bells again?  Okay, why not!  One more time boys!!

And then....
"Again?"
"Really, again?"
"Another time?"
"Seriously????"

And so my drive time has now turned in to Jingle Bell time.  Over and over and over.  I tried to sneak in a little "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" last night only to be told to lose the shiny nose and get back to the bells.

Hence, the reason I am sitting at my desk listening to absolutely anything but Christmas music in the hopes that some chord might strike me enough to loose the incessant jingling in my ears!!  Happy Holidays!