Mommy's Juice!: October 2012   

Friday, October 26, 2012

He Said... She Thought

Jackson skiing in February
It appears winter is upon us here in the Rocky Mountains.  To my extreme disappointment, the first snow hit yesterday.  I know, why the hell do I live here if I don't like winter?  Well it isn't that I don't like winter, I just don't like winter from October to May.  I'd be perfectly happy with a three month winter, even four.  But when winter creeps into my fall and spring, I'm just not a happy mommy.

My four year old son Jackson on the other hand, couldn't have been happier to wake up to a lawn covered in white.  Before the sun had even risen he was standing by my bed waking me up to ask if he could look outside.  From there the conversation went a little like this:

Jackson said: "Mommy, everything is white outside.  Hooray!!"
Mommy thought: "Get back in bed and shut the hell up!"

Jackson said: "I'll have to wear my snow boots to school today!"
Mommy thought: "Where the hell are the snow boots?  Shit, his feet have gone up two sizes since last winter."

Jackson said: "Can we go outside now?"
Mommy thought: "No, we can go outside next June."

Jackson said: "I want to build a snowman."
Mommy thought: "I want to move to Hawaii."

Jackson said: "Let's get to school early so I can play with my friends outside."
Mommy thought: "The traffic will be terrible with all the boobs who don't have their snow tires on yet.  F%@#, are my snow tires on?"

Jackson said: "Does this mean I can start my skiing lessons?"
Mommy thought: "I don't have money for the ski lessons.  Why can't he just walk up and down the mountain for fun?"

Jackson said: "Mommmmmyyyyy, get up!!!"
Mommy thought: "May the winter games begin!"

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

How the F@%# Should I Know?



Mad respect for all of you home schoolers out there!  I don't know how you do it.  I mean seriously, how in the world do you know all of the answers??  My 4-year old Jackson has hit the curiosity stage.  Everything has become a question:

What are stars made of?
Where do lady bugs live?
What do sharks eat?
What day is it?
What is fog?
Where do lady bugs sleep?
How many dollars make up a nickel?
How much does this pumpkin weigh?
What is in lettuce?
What do lady bugs eat?

Some of these obviously I am able to answer, but I have to admit, I went to a pretty crappy public school and quite frankly didn't learn a whole hell of a lot.  Follow that up with four years of college where I received a degree in RECREATION Management, well let's just say I wasn't shooting for any stars.  

I grew up with a mom who was a school teacher and not only could have answered every question off his Nosey McNoserton lips, but she likely would have had an arts and crafts project to go along with the answer.  I on the other hand, did not inherit these traits, and look to others like his teachers to assist in the "correct" answer.  God forbid I send him to school telling all his friends that sharks prefer human meat over any other.  

Last week, after saying our prayers he began to ask me questions like:

Where does God live?
How can he hear us?
How can we see him?

Now here is an area that I dare not screw up.  Santa Claus questions I can work my way around, but God, well that's just territory I'm not willing to wreck.  And so, I am happy to admit, we are now Church Goers.  I've been wanting to start attending Church with the boys for a while now, and last week's questions I believe were a sign that there is no time like the present.  So I visited the local Methodist Church, which is what I attended before moving to Colorado.  I felt very welcome and look forward to taking the boys this weekend.  But I do have to say, there was one thing that scared me: apparently the parents take turns teaching Sunday School.  YIKES!!!!!  Guess I better pull out that Bible and start studying!

Monday, October 22, 2012

I Was Cool...for Two Weeks At Least


Finally, I moved into the ranks of the "cool kids" when I purchased my first iphone two weeks ago.  The Blackberry had become an embarrassment.  Every time I pulled it out I felt like the loser still wearing jelly shoes when clearly flip flops had taken over.

My delay rested solely on the day my upgrade became available.  A Verizon customer, my last upgrade took place as the "rumors" had begun that iphones would be available on Verizon.  Nothing had been confirmed yet, and when I asked the salesperson if he had any idea when it might happen, and if I would be smart to wait, his response was, "that's all just a bunch of rumors, I wouldn't expect anything soon."  I went with the pink blackberry only to wake to the news FIVE DAYS LATER that iphones were now available to Verizon customers.  Aside from driving back to the mall and kicking the sales persons ass, there wasn't much I could do.

So I waited, and waited, and waited.  When the day finally arrived I immediately went to the Verizon store and asked for the 4s.  I knew the 5 would be out in a matter of days but at this point I literally refused to wait another second.  When the store told me they didn't have the 4s in stock but would order it, I hopped in the car and drove 45 minutes to the next Verizon store so I could get it in my hand that day!

Once it was purchased, and I could hide the blackberry in the back of my most crowded junk drawer, I got straight to work.  Facebook app, check!  Twitter app, check!  Weather app, check!  Angry Birds, check!  Pandora app, check!  Instagram app, check!  I was all over it.  In a matter of days my new phone became 24 hour entertainment.  I literally couldn't put it down.

When we went to our local Fall Festival this past Saturday I obviously had the phone in attendance.  I had to capture all the fun shots of the boys with the animals, carving pumpkins and the like.  It was as we were driving home from the festival and I went to look for my phone that I realized it hadn't made it with us.  Frantic I drove back to the festival to search, I even scoured the shuttle bus we took there.  No sign of my new love.  I spent Saturday night feeling completely naked, drinking too much wine to drown my loss.

On Sunday morning I was greeted with a miracle.  Well sort of.  Someone had found it and gotten my number from a text I sent.  He warned me it wasn't in good shape.  Turns out I had dropped the phone by the shuttle drop off and (this is so hard to say) it was run over by a bus!

The screen is in shambles, it no longer rings, my pictures can't be seen and I am dying to play Sudoku but it just isn't happening.  New iphone for dumbos like myself who didn't get the insurance: $550!  Guess I'll be reaching in the junk drawer for the Blackberry again!  Oh, the shame!!

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Chatting with Cuervo


No, I didn't take too many shots of tequila and start talking to the bottle!  Cuervo is actually the name of my mom's newest addition to the house.  When her beloved min-pin had to suddenly be put down last spring due to cancer she was so heartbroken she went out and got a new dog immediately, this time a chihuahua mix she found at the pound.  She named the dog something silly like Boots but my Dad preferred Jose Cuervo for the little guy.  After trying her best to get him to stop she finally just joined in.

Cuervo joined us at the beach this past September when we went with my parents.  The boys instantly fell in love.  We have a chocolate lab at home, Boone.  Unfortunately Boone isn't very exciting for the boys.  Ten years old with bad knees, Boone isn't one for fetch, or chase, or well, much of anything besides eating.  So for the boys to have the full attention of a dog with endless energy was quite the treat.  They argued over who would hold his leash on walks, who got to run around the beach house with Cuervo's stuffed animal while he chased them, whose lap Cuervo would sit on.

When we got back home after a week of Cuervo fun, Jackson ran quickly into our house only to come out crying, "Boone's too bigggggg!!!!"  Tough luck kiddo!

Cuervo enjoyed the boys as much as they enjoyed him.  Needless to say life with two retirees isn't exactly full of chases for the little guy.  Mom said the dog spent days after the boys left pouting around the house, sad for his loss.  But not for long...  A few days ago, when I handed over the phone to Jackson to say hi to his grandma, I suddenly hear him saying, "Hi Cuervo, good dog, I missed you, what are you doing?"  Wait a minute, you're talking to the dog???  On the phone????

According to mom the dog loved it!  His ears perked up and he took in every word.  As if I didn't waste enough of my phone minutes on Jackson telling his grandparents long drawn out stories of a trip to the park or an exceptional moment on the potty, now I get to pay for him to talk to the damn dog too!!

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Watching Other People Watch


I am so excited for the Presidential Debate tonight!  No, not because I'm interested in what our future President and future reality television star have to say about the economy, abortion or military spending, but for the hilarious jokes the remarks from the two will spark on Twitter!  I must say, I have never enjoyed a political debate more than the one two weeks ago when I spent the entire night following what the world had to say on Twitter while Obama and Romney battled it out.  As my husband put it: "This is unbelievable, I'm sitting here watching the debate and your sitting there watching other people watch the debate!"

How could I help myself?  With lines coming from Chris Rock like "Obama will be pulling Bin Laden's skull out any minute, wait, wait."  And how about all of those Big Bird lines?  Hilarious!!  Who knows what the world of the funny and famous will come up with tonight.

This has become a hobby of mine, hopping on Twitter for a big event and hearing what the rest of the world has to say. Like last nights #MNF game (that's Monday Night Football for my non-sports watching fans!). I had a ball kicking insults with the likes of @PeytonManningsHead, @tombradysego and @notsportscenter! I'm sure they were wondering why a @mommysjuice was so interested in football!!

This new hobby drives the hubby crazy but what can I say, the rest of the world just has much more interesting things to say than him!  Bring it on #debate!

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Shopping for Sharks



Why can't my child be like other little boys and want nothing more than a Buzz Lightyear costume for Halloween?  Or maybe even a Ninga, a Transformer, a Pirate or Fireman?  No, these common costumes, found at every Target in town just wouldn't do for Jackson.  Hence why I spent my entire Saturday morning listening to the screams and cries of a four year old who just couldn't make up his mind!

When my sister and I were toddlers my mom bought two alien costumes.  One was green the other yellow.  We must have taken turns on colors for four years before finally begging for something new.  There is absolutely no way I could get by with that type of move in my house.  Share?  A costume?  Believe me, they aren't having it!

Trey of course is still easy.  Having not yet reached the two year old mark I am still able to put him in hand me downs from Halloween's past.  Although, because he's smaller than his brother this years hand me downs wouldn't fit, leading me to purchase the first $12/dragon costume I saw on the shelf.  Five minutes, done!

Jackson on the other hand had his heart set on being a shark for Halloween.  Before attempting to hit the small amount of stores available in our backyard, I searched online.  Old Navy had the PERFECT shark, but unfortunately not in his size.  Pottery Barn had an adorable little shark as well but at $60 they can keep that costume!  No way will I be spending $60 bucks for a one night gig!  So we ventured into Target and of course, they have a cute shark costume waiting for us.  Unfortunately it only came in infant sizes.  Breakdown #1.

After thirty minutes of going through every Target costume available, it was decided that Jackson could live without being a shark, but he absolutely had to be an alligator now.  Off to Wal Mart we go!

Wal Mart had to have the sorriest batch of costumes I've ever seen.  Unless your four year old wants to be a blood covered zombie, vampire, or other murderer, you are pretty much out of luck.  Hence, breakdown #2 commences.  Knowing my arsenal of Halloween costume shops is running out, I talk my screaming child into Spiderman, one of the only Wal Mart characters he actually recognized.  He agreed, although disappointed, which of course made me disappointed, but I knew we were running out of options.

On a whim, I swung through the second hand kids store just to give it one last shot.  I was amazed to walk into a selection of every possible Halloween costume imaginable.  Including.......  one very handsome alligator in a (drum roll please) 4T.  Okay, so maybe its actually a dragon costume, but it has a tail and is green, so what the kid doesn't know won't hurt him!!

Happy Halloween!!!

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Get Me Outta the Outhouse!



I love camping.  It has to be one of my favorite things to do.  There is just something about being in the middle of nowhere, with no phone service, no email, no electricity, that allows me to let go and enjoy myself more so than almost anywhere.  But I must say, camping with kids is, well, not quite as enjoyable.

After a weekend camping trip to Moab, Utah I have determined the five below reasons why camping SUCKS with toddlers:

  1. Diaper Changes: what should be a simple clean up turns into an all out war when trying to remove sand and dirt from the kid's wiener.  A wipe becomes like a solid piece of ice hitting his sensitive areas and has him screaming loud enough to wake the wildlife.
  2. Outhouse Trips: not only do I have to visit the God Awful smelling outhouse for my own personal reasons, but now every time my four year old needs to go potty my presence is demanded.  Do you know how many times a four year old potties over three days?  I'm still not breathing right.
  3. Three Boys in a Tent: as if sharing a tent with my husband wasn't troublesome enough, now I have the addition of two more boys.  Snores, coughs and of course farts!  Once again, I am still not breathing right.
  4. Campfire fun: is no longer campfire fun.  It's campfire freak out as I spent the entire night begging my kids to "stay away from the fire!"  When they aren't deliberately trying to jump in, they are running around going crazy with the possibility of falling in a constant concern.
  5. Rise and shine: the kid's clocks aren't going to change just because we are sleeping outside, wide awake they are at the crack of dawn, demanding attention before the sun has even risen above the mountain.  I can handle this early rising in a warm house, but in the cold outdoors its just not pleasant. Especially when our first business of the day will be a ice pack diaper change followed by a trip to the outhouse!
And of course, the number one reason why camping with the kids doesn't suck:

  1. The realization that one day they will no longer want to go camping with mom and dad and we'll miss the hell out of them!


Thursday, October 4, 2012

Living Next Door to Homer Simpson

Checking out the lot across the way
We moved into our house almost three years ago.  It's not much, but its ours, and I love it!  What I love most is the location.  Right outside the door are hiking and biking trails, the river, ponds, and plenty of room for the kids to "explore."  One of our favorite exploring spots happens to be two lots that are currently for sale directly beside our home.  The lots are beautiful, with amazing views of the mountains, however they are costly and have been on the market since we moved in.

I dread the thought of someone coming in and building a ginormous house that will block our beautiful views and take away our favorite spot to explore.  I'm sure its bound to sell soon, but in the meantime I've made it my secret mission to convince any lookers that they wouldn't want to be our neighbor.

How you ask?  Simple, whenever I see a car pull up to the lot I immediately do the following:

  • Put the dog outside with instructions to bark
  • Tell the hubby to grab a Budweiser, take his shirt off and go sit on the front porch
  • and the best of all.... send both kid's outside to "play"
What person in their right mind wants to be neighbors with The Simpsons?  I'm just waiting for the real estate agent to knock on my door and ask me if we could keep our shenanigans down, but thus far, SUCCESS!!

Monday, October 1, 2012

What Not To Feed a Drunk 4-Year Old

Oh, I'm kidding he wasn't really drunk, just high, really, really high!

I had to take Jackson to get a cavity filled last week.  During his previous visit to the Dentist (in which he cried so loud I think people in the lobby actually left) it was determined that there was no possible way this procedure was going to take place without drugs.  They would need to use a light anesthesia, which of course would jack my bill up another $500 thank you very much.

Now I know quite a few of you are thinking "why in the world would she spend that much money on baby teeth?" and believe me, I asked myself this question many times.  I even had him go to another dentist for a second opinion.  In the end, the procedure seemed like the right thing to do.

This wouldn't be Jackson's first time with anesthesia, he had tubes placed in his ears a few years back.  But this would most certainly be a more unique experience.  With the tubes, I handed Jackson over to the nurses and got him back in pretty much the same shape he left in.  With the dentist, another story entirely!  After drinking the jungle juice that was meant to place him in a "conscious sedation" the dentist asked me to take Jackson out into the lobby and wait about 10 minutes until it had taken affect with instructions to "keep a close eye on him, you'll start noticing he'll get a little wobbly."

A little wobbly??  How about completely and totally off of his ass!  Literally two minutes into playing a game in the lobby he starts swaying back and forth, slurring words, and behaving like a pledge on initiation night.  By the time the dentist came to get him I was holding him in my lap while he made goo-goo noises at the cute 3-year old he'd just scared to death.

After the procedure was complete I walked into the room to find him flat on his back watching a movie on a television screen on the ceiling.  I believe he may have said, "hi mommy, look what I am watching" but the slurring was still in full effect so for all I know it could have been, "thanks a lot you stupid bitch."  The dentist filled me in on how wonderful everything went and then started explaining what I could expect over the next hour as the sedative wore off.  WHAT???  I could not believe they were actually about to send me home with Jackson still in fraternity land.

Once I had him safely in his car seat he managed to make out the word "McDonalds," which of course I had promised him prior to the appointment since he couldn't eat that morning.  No way was I taking this child inside, people would think I'd given him a strawberry margarita for breakfast, so I grabbed a sausage McMuffin at the drive through and pulled over.  Where I stayed, for a while...

Sandwich in hand, Jackson begins pulling it apart piece by piece and examining each item with the eyes of a newborn.  "What a fancy sandwich," he says.  He only dropped said sandwich pieces about 15 times, spilled his orange juice about 10 times, and thanked me for his breakfast about 20 times.  Oh well, at least he's a polite drunk!