Mommy's Juice!: August 2012   

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

The Day the Water Broke

Here's a story I've been saving.  For what exactly I don't know.  Maybe to save myself further embarrassment, or maybe to save until I had enough followers to fully appreciate it.  Whatever the reason, I saved it, and now, at last, I share it: the day the water broke!

Exactly eight months and two weeks pregnant with my first child, I had gone into my check-up on a Monday and been informed that yes I was dilated, but only by a small fraction.  "What does that mean," I asked?  "It means you could go into labor tonight, or you could go into labor next month."  Thank you modern science for such a reassuring answer.

Because I had gained so little weight, the thought of my going into labor early seemed extremely unlikely, to both myself and my doctors. So I left my appointment that day with little fear that anything monumental was soon to come.

The following day I woke up as usual and headed to work.  Tuesday's were staff meeting day, and as I would do on any other Tuesday I headed over to the conference room at 10am to start the "most boring hour of the week."  This Tuesday however would prove to be different thanks to the fact that the moment I sat down for the uneventful meeting I immediately felt what I knew had to be the break of the levee.

Trying not to make a scene in a staff meeting of 8 I turned to the co-worker next to me and quietly whispered, "I think my water just broke."  In an attempt to save my pride she offered to go grab me a sweater to wrap around my waist so I could quietly leave the room.  But by this point the levee wasn't leaking, it was a full on flood and no sweater would disguise the puddle surrounding me.

And so the announcement was made followed by a variety of screams including:
"I have a blanket in my car!"
"Call 911"
"Who has leather seats?"
With me in the background crying, "this is so gross!!!!!"

Five minutes later my chair is rolled into the hallway with a blanket wrapped around my waist, a co-worker is outside speaking to a police officer on a bike, the only person with leather seats has pulled his truck up to the conference room door, and my boss is staring in shock at the office mangers breasts unable to speak a word due to his falling into a shock moments earlier.  I think it goes without saying that this was literally, without doubt, the most embarrassing moment of my entire life!

Upon arriving at the doctors office with the leather seat owning co-worker I sat with my doctor who says, "things like this almost never happen."  No shit doc!  Less than six hours later Jackson Tyler Beard was welcomed to the world.  Guess somebody was in a hurry!

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Seriously - You Can Eat Off of These Floors!

My husband always jokes about how weird it was when we were leaving the hospital two days after the birth of our first son Jackson and the nurse who walked us out to the car said, "have fun with your baby!"  I don't think he had even considered the fact that we were about to be completely on our own with this new (screaming) creature until she left us standing alone in the parking lot with that sentence and a smile.  On our own and completely unprepared!

Oh sure, we were prepared with things like a crib, diapers, cute little onsies and special baby soaps.  All the things you actually think about and plan in advance.  What we weren't prepared for was what exactly to do with this 6 pound 12 ounce bundle of barf and belly-aching.  Some call it colic, some call it gas, I call it HELL.  For the nearly 12 hours per day that Jackson was awake, I'll estimate he cried at least 11 hours and 14 minutes of it!  I was literally losing my mind.

Scared to take him anywhere I felt chained to my house, watching hour after hour of Beverly Hills 90210 and The OC reruns at full blast to hear over his racket.  We tried everything to stop the crying: long drives in the car, long walks in the stroller, music, swings, and my personal favorite: the vacuum cleaner.  I read that the noise could help, and believe it or not, it did!  Not to mention, my floor was never so spotless.  Eventually we'd just turn the damn thing on and leave it in a corner for hours at a time, just to get the kid to stop wailing.  He'd sit in his swing, screaming his head off, and as soon as the vacuum started, he'd silence.

I eventually downloaded a full CD of just vacuum noise, but it just didn't have the same effect as the real thing. At this point, a $500 electricity bill didn't sound so bad compared to the sound of the devil wailing in my ear every waking minute.  And so it continued, full nights of a vacuum running to keep the kid asleep, full days of my running outside to talk on the phone because the noise in the house was too deafening to hear the party on the other line, but the baby was asleep!

At around four months the "colic" had passed and the crying went from 50% of the day to around 5.  My sanity had been tested in a way it had never been tested before and I came out on top, well maybe a litter grayer on top, but on top nonetheless.  A year later as I was dropping Jackson at daycare one of the teachers was vacuuming the room.  He ran to the door screaming "bots, bots, bots (his baby word for vacuum)."  His teacher laughed turning off the machine and told me, "Jackson just loves it when we vacuum, he is so fascinated by it."   Why am I not the least bit surprised?

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Friday Funnies 8.17

This week's winners for the funniest moments go to:

Hubby: "Where are the kids?"
Me: "I got rid of them"
Hubby: "How much did you get?"
Me: "I had to pay."

Jackson as I'm undressing in the changing room at the pool, "Wow, you really don't have a penis!"

Taking two kids to Costco = BAD IDEA
As Trey is throwing the giant package of towels out of the cart I scream: "That is not funny Trey"
while the man walking by us laughing hysterically says, "yes it is!"

Two examples of when bribery backfires:
1. I joined Jackson's class for a picnic in the park.  As I was getting up to leave Jackson got upset and was crying for me to stay.  Having to get back to work I told him, "if you can stop crying and be good for your teacher the rest of the day when I pick you up we can go to the store and you can pick out WHATEVER you want for dinner."
Insert teacher's big mouth, "Oh Jackson you should chose sushi!"
Insert angry mom's response, "are you paying?  Then shut up!"

2. As Jackson is literally screaming his head off at the dentist while they are trying to clean his teeth I make the promise, "Jackson if you quit screaming we can make brownies when we get home."  Ten minutes later I'm informed he has a cavity and have the nurse say jokingly, "maybe those brownies aren't such a good idea after all."  Thanks for that great advice!

While at a work dinner at a Board Member's home I get a call from my husband.  Assuming it was an emergency I answer to hear Jackson on the other line tell me a VERY detailed story that ended with, "and I pooped on the potty and guess what?  It was bigger than Daddy's!"  After telling him how proud I was I hang up only to have the entire dinner party ask me what he had done.
Prepare to loose your appetites everyone!

Have a great (and funny) weekend!

Monday, August 13, 2012

I'm Not Seeing Double Yet Blogging

You may not know this but I'm actually not the only writer in the family (if I can even use that word to describe myself).  My hubby was an English Major in College who has a very unique wit to his writing which I find quite talented.  Unfortunately he has put that talent to zero use in his current career field of property management.  Until recently that is, when he was asked by a friend to jot down some ideas for a screenplay.

Automatically I began dreaming of long days by the pool with a book in one hand and cocktail in another following the millions of dollars I'm certain he'll be making us.  I'm quickly awaken from this dream by the realization that hubby has absolutely no idea how to go about writing a screenplay.  Being the loving (and hopeful!) wife that I am, I stop what I am doing and rush to local library to check-out any book on screenplay writing I can get my hands on.

Knowing hubby's sense of humor I immediately grab a book titled, "Writing Movies for Fun and Profit"  written by the creators of one of my favorite television shows, Reno 911.  If you have never watched this little gem I highly recommend it!  Not only did the book attract his attention, it attracted mine, especially one particular chapter titled, "I'm Drinking Too Much, Is That a Problem"

According to the authors: "Not only is heavy drinking NOT a problem - it very may well HELP WITH YOUR WRITING!"  Another helpful tip: "Daily, consistent use of alcohol can open up the wonderful hinterlands of your brain!  There are ideas lurking in the corners of your mind.  TAP THEM - as you would tap a marvelous key of frothy lager." 

Well obviously I had to put this sound piece of advice to the test and immediately pulled out the computer along with a bottle of Chardonnay to start typing.  Or shoudl i sya TPIYNG.  Sure a few glasses in I had ideas coming out of nowhere, the problem was actually getting them on the page.  Between misspellings, fragmented sentences, and udder nonsense paragraphs that I am certain started off as great ideas, I had wasted an entire night blogging about absolute shit.

So I guess I'll stick to sober blogging, or maybe I should say good-buzz blogging, or better yet "I'm not seeing double yet" blogging, and see where that gets me.  It might not be a lounge chair by the pool, but maybe I can at least grab an afternoon at the park sharing a park bench with the homeless.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Friday Funnies Are Back!!

One of my favorite posts as "Margs for Mommy" was the Friday Funnies!  A recap of what made me laugh hardest in the past week.  I loved the Friday Funnies so much I've decided to resurrect them here at Mommy's Juice.  Because really, who doesn't love a laugh on Friday!

Jackson, our 4-year old, upon seeing a car pulled over by a cop on the side of the road: "Ohhhh. bad choice."  Wonder if he'll still think that when he's 16.

Speaking of being pulled over, why is it that I only seem to remember I lost my driver's license when I am catch myself speeding as I pass a cop?

Comment from Jackson as we pass a VW Bug: "What a fancy little car!"

Upon returning home from getting my hair done:
Jackson: "Mommy your hair looks beautiful."
Husband: "How many colors is that exactly?"
Guess who I love more??

Saddest, yet true, thing I heard all week: comment from the hairdresser as I was leaving,
"we'll see you at Christmas." Yes, I am that slack!

Biggest Accomplishment of the Week:
Ms. I Do Not Cook made homemade peach ice cream with the boys and it was the BOMB!  No I don't have intentions of hitting Breyer's up for a job anytime soon, but for someone who sucks in the kitchen this one felt good.

Biggest Disappointment of the Week:
Seeing the damn US Women's Volleyball Team wear the bikini's.  Which of course made all the men who were complaining about full body clothing happy.

Sent the office intern to the grocery store with a list that included Nice Coffee.
She calls me from the coffee aisle to let me know they don't carry that brand.  Adjective my dear!

What was your funny highlight of the week?????

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

You Might Be A Redneck...

As a Southern girl married to a man who has lived all over the entire country and puts the South towards the top of his "unappealing" list (I know, what the hell was I thinking!) I have often heard the statement, "please don't ever tell that story again, it makes you sound like such a redneck."  Well sweetie, I hate to break it to you, but not only did you marry a redneck, but that redneck blood is now running through your baby boys veins too!!  I'm not talking broken down car sitting on the front lawn redneck, but a mild redneck, a redneck that stems from occasional memories that drive him insane.  So I share these examples with you now, redneck, or just damn funny??

You might be a redneck if:

high school students drove your school bus. People almost never believe me when I share this, but high school students did in fact drive my bus up until I was in middle school.  It was some type of work release program for them.  To prove this fact I have a picture taken at my best friend's house with the bus her older brother drove parked in their front yard.  He used to come home and sweep off all the cigarette butts (yep, even more redneck!)

you've ever started a sentence with, "One time at a wresting match.."  No, I'm not talking high school sport wrestling, I'm talking Nature Boy Ric Flair, The American Dream Dusty Rhodes, and my personal favorites The Rock n' Roll Express!  I was addicted as a young girl and when the NWA came through town you best believe I was there.

you know people who actually fill their coolers with beer to bring into the living room during a NASCAR race so they won't miss any of the action by getting up and going to the fridge.  And don't even ask what they do if they need to go to the bathroom.

your prom date had a mustache. My brother-in-law noticed my prom picture in the living room while he and my sister were dating (it has since been removed) and could not believe my date had a mustache.  He was even more shocked when he heard this date was actually in my grade, not some old man I found on the side of the road.

"shop" was a class requirement at your High School.  At least Auto Mechanics was optional.

when you hear gunshots from next door you don't call 911.  No reason too, you know its just the neighbor hoping to hit a few squirrels.

you can even remotely relate to where I'm coming from!

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Things That Make You Say Sh*t!

I've always been a bit of a potty mouth, so I really do try to tone it down when I'm around the boys.  But sometimes you just have those moments when you can't help but throw out a four letter bomb.  Here are just a few of the things that make me say sh*t!!

When you hear your child say, "mommy I have to go poop," and realize there is literally no bathroom in site.

When you go to make your morning coffee and realize you're out of beans.

When your phone rings in the middle of the day and caller id reads: daycare.

When you get home from a night out and realize you have no cash to pay the illegal babysitter.

When you get to daycare and realize your child's lunch didn't make it there with you.

When you get the 24 hour "reminder" call for the doctor/dentist/etc. appointment you scheduled 6 months in advance.

When after grocery shopping with two unruly children you get to the check-out line and realize you've left your purse in the car.

When you're dressing your child for school and realize there is no clean underwear in the house.

When you've promised your child a play date only to have the other child's parents cancel at the last minute.

When you thought it was safe to wear white and then realized you were an idiot.

When your 3-year old repeats the four letter word you have just slipped, only to make you repeat the four letter word you have just slipped again!

So... what is it that makes you say sh*t?

Thursday, August 2, 2012

The Definition of Me!

I recently saw a celebrity interview in which the question was asked "how would define yourself?"  Pretty broad and yet pretty interesting.  I started thinking about myself and how I'll answer that question when I'm famous (a girl can dream right?).  And so here it is, not Webster's approved, but I have to guess Wikipedia would roll with it.

What defines ME (noun):
  1. my children 
  2. a country town 
  3. a barefoot walk on fresh cut grass
  4. an ice cold beer on a hot day
  5. a good meal with an even better glass of wine
  6. adventure
  7. the laugh that makes you cry
  8. the tears that come from joy
  9. a constant movement
  10. simplicity
  11. a 45 hour work week
  12. a prayer made in the middle of nowhere
  13. a glass half full
  14. the crash of a wave
  15. front porch sitting
  16. a misspelled word
  17. an sweater two sizes too big
  18. a long talk with a good friend
  19. a chocolate lab
  20. a fall day in a mountain town
  21. dirty dishes
  22. footsteps on fresh snow
  23. a work in progress
  24. a love that hurts
  25. a good piece of gossip (or should I say "juice")
Think about it, how would you define yourself?