Mommy's Juice!: 2012   

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Bet My Night SUCKED Worse Than Yours!


My husband has been out of town since Monday night for work.  Leaving me with the little monsters on my own.  He wasn't supposed to get back until tonight, but after hearing from me yesterday evening he immediately hopped in the car and drove home.  Mommy was at the breaking point!  And here is why:

I had to leave work early yesterday to take Jackson to the Dr..  The previous night he told me he was getting some tissue to blow his nose, he then returned to the living room to inform me the tissue was STUCK in his nose.  After attempts at removal I successfully pushed the tissue even further up and decided medical assistance was my best bet.

It took two nurses to hold down my screaming 4-year old while the doctor removed the intrusion, leaving me near tears and fully on edge.  The doctor also informed me that he had swimmer's ear and sent me to the pharmacy, both children in tow, to pick up a subscription.  At the pharmacy my little darlings decided to "change-up" some of the displays of medicines, further pushing Mommy to the edge.

Upon arrival at home I had a nice glass of wine on my mind as I went to get the boys out of the car.  Immediately after I took Trey's (my almost 2 year old) seat belt off he jumped into the front seat.  I shut his door and headed to driver's side to let him out that way.  Too late!!  In the seconds it took me to get there he had already locked the doors.  Panic began to creep as I realized not only were my keys still in the car, but my husband was four hours away with the other set of keys.

Apparently 911 doesn't respond to such emergencies unless the child is in distress.  Since Trey was literally laughing at me from the other side of the window as he was pretending to drive away, I assumed this wasn't distress and was told to call a locksmith.

Twenty minutes later the locksmith arrives.  At this point Trey is no longer finding the humor in his predicament and is crying hysterically in the car.  Again, Mommy is near breaking point but thinking that my glass of wine isn't that far off in the future.  That is until I met my locksmith, who arrived completely WASTED!  Slurring words, repeating sentences, the man was a mess!  After multiple attempts he was able to unlock the car and then asked if we could go inside and handle the payment.  Another twenty minutes later he was still in my living room, playing with my dog, asking me about my neighbors and reeking of booze!!  I literally had to open the front door as he was still standing in my kitchen and say, "you can go out this way."  Which he finally did, yet still hung out in the front yard with the dog for a few more minutes.

Totally at the end of my rope by this point I realized Trey was so scared in the car that he had actually pooped his pants.  Bath time!  I cleaned him up and put both boys in the bath.  Realizing I had a free moment I ran into the kitchen to pour the glass of wine destined to calm my nerves.  Only to hear a screeching "MOOOOMMMMYYY" coming from the bathroom before the final drops hit the glass.

I returned to find that Jackson had diarrhea in the tub!  All kids out, all toys out, full on clean up in motion.  Kids back in, fill again, back to the wine glass.  "MOOOMMMMYYY!!"  DAMN IF HE DIDN'T DO IT AGAIN!!!!

By the time the mess was re-cleaned, the children re-cleaned, and Mommy near tears, I go into the living room to put on the kid's jammies and find Trey pissing in the middle of the floor.  Seriously, seriously, seriously.

I did finally get a chance to drink my glass of wine, and a few after that.  The husband came home shortly after I put the kids to bed, sympathetic, yet with a grin.  I supposed I would be grinning too if the shoe had been on the other foot.  BUT IT WASN'T!

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

I Think I Like It Better When the Kids Hate Each Other



"I think I like it better when the kids hate each other."  This is the sentence I said to my husband the other night as the two of them came running into the living room butt naked, running around in circles and screaming at the top of their lungs.  You see, when the kids hate each other, one of them is always behaving. When they like each other, neither of them are ever behaving!

Although hard to imagine a 2-year old and 4-year old "hating" each other, this is possible for small periods of time throughout the day.  Whether fighting over the Thomas train, or who gets to wear the monkey hat, or how many fries one has stolen off the other's plate, there is always, in any of these circumstances one child that is behaving.  One is looking for the support from mom and dad to help them get what they want from the other.  One is pleading innocence with the sweet loving eyes of a child, suckering you in to believing every word out of their mouth.  While meanwhile the other is acting like he's just been released from San Quentin.

But when they "like" each other, there isn't a sweet loving eye in the house!  Just total and complete mayhem. Neither wants to behave because let's face it, behaving isn't fun.  We'd rather get naked and bust out your ear drums.  Or start a water fight in the bathtub that leaves the floor flooded, or hide in strange places only to jump out and scare the sh** out of you at the perfect moment.

Obviously I want my children to get along.  I sincerely hope that they are life-long best friends.  But I must admit, I certainly don't mind a little "hate" now and then, just so I can stare into the sweet loving eyes of at least one child at a time.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Lose the Shiny Nose!


It's official, Jingle Bells is now permanently stuck in my head!  I literally can not get that tune to stop playing over and over.  At work, at lunch, in bed, all I hear is "dancing through the snow," in the voice of Michael Buble.  This has to be some form of torture.  Some punishment for one of those all-night ragers in college or the time I locked myself in my room for a time out instead of the kids.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Christmas carols.  I can frequently be seen driving down the road belting "Oh, Holy Night" at the top of my lungs as if in front of a crowd at Rockefeller Center.  I have a stash of like six Christmas CDs in the car that literally just sit there eleven months out of the year, waiting for the day after Thanksgiving to arrive so they can start spinning again (wait, do CDs spin?).

This year I started with the Michael Buble CD, singing away to track 1, "It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas," with my boys in the back seat wondering what exactly was in mommy's coffee that morning.  Then came track 2, "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town."  Mommy is on a roll now!  Now on to track 3, and the fun continues with "Jingle Bells!"  On to track.. wait, what was that from the backseat?  Oh, you want Jingle Bells again?  Okay, why not!  One more time boys!!

And then....
"Again?"
"Really, again?"
"Another time?"
"Seriously????"

And so my drive time has now turned in to Jingle Bell time.  Over and over and over.  I tried to sneak in a little "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" last night only to be told to lose the shiny nose and get back to the bells.

Hence, the reason I am sitting at my desk listening to absolutely anything but Christmas music in the hopes that some chord might strike me enough to loose the incessant jingling in my ears!!  Happy Holidays!

Monday, November 26, 2012

Creepy Candy


All it took was a four day holiday weekend with my family to realize, MY CHILDREN ARE TERRIBLE!! I'm not quite sure what has happened in the last few weeks, but these boys have literally gone from manageable with assistance from the occasional glass of wine TO manageable with the assistance from the frequent bottle(s) of wine!

It started immediately after I picked them up from daycare Wednesday. I attempted to take them out to dinner and ended up going home early soaking wet from the juice Trey spilled on me.  Thursday began with multiple time-outs for fighting, followed by the utter destruction of multiple rooms in the house and ending with a food fight at Thanksgiving dinner.

On to Friday, when attempts at shopping were overruled by screaming children.  Lunch at the local Mexican restaurant a battle of who got to sit on what side of the booth.  And a night led by a flooded floor created during bath hour.

By Saturday I was drinking wine on the couch playing Suduko on my phone and ignoring the fact that I even had children as they lay in front of me screaming at the top of their lungs over whose turn it was to count for hide and go seek.  They'll figure it out!

Church on Sunday included four trips "outside" during the sermon and a few chases around the pews.  By the time we got home I was close to the point of looking up "adoption" online when Jackson asked if we could get out some of the Christmas ornaments.  And there he was... right on top of the Christmas box... the answer to my prayers...Jackson's Elf on the Shelf!

My mom bought the elf two years ago when she came out for Christmas.  Now of course, I find this creature (which Jackson immediately named Candy) quite creepy, but yet, quite effective.  We pulled him out of his box and I read Jackson and Trey the book of how Candy will be watching them and reporting back to Santa on their progress.  To my complete shock, they started to behave!

Obviously it wasn't to last, but as soon as the slightest bit of mischief arrived in their eyes I would mention Candy and they would go back to being Angels.  At some points in the day I would notice Jackson looking around to see if he was in Candy's viewpoint.  It's like some secret weapon for mom's this doll!  It really does work!  That is until I caught Jackson hiding Candy under the sofa cushions specifically so he could do something bad.  But as long as I can find him, and point his creepy little eyes in the boy's direction, I think we'll be doing pretty good.  Until December 26th that is..... 

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

"You Can't Run a Marathon"


It's official, the company I work for has been accepted as an official charity for a Rock n' Roll Marathon next October.  This is something we had been bouncing around the office for a few weeks, finally applying and being accepted.  When the idea initially came up I was quite excited.  My exercise routine lately has consisted of walks to the mailbox and the occasional game of tag at the park.  I was looking forward to the notion of having something to "train" for.

Upon first mentioning the marathon to my husband his immediate reply was laughter followed by, "You can't run a marathon!"

"Why not?"

"First of all, you don't know how to run.  (I do actually KNOW how to run.  I may look a little silly doing it, but I KNOW how!")  Secondly, you'd never be able to run that far."

"I do.  I can.  And I will! I mean seriously what is it like 5 miles, anyone can do that."

Hysterical laughter from the hubby.  "You don't even know what a marathon is!  No, not 5 miles, 26 miles."

Long pause from me caused by utter shock of what my ears have heard!

Back at work, I begin my logical explanation of why it is I won't be able to join in on the marathon fun, leading of course with as a mom of two young children I certainly won't have time to train, even if the damn thing is a year away.  Never mind the fact that even if I did have the time I'd much rather spend it at Happy Hour!  But unfortunately we were too far down the road to marathon madness. And so it was decided that I would participate in the relay portion, taking my total mileage down from 26 to around 7.

Okay, I can do this.  Time to start training.  That weekend I put the tennis shoes on and hit the trail. Two miles later I return home so out of breath I can barely speak.  Jackson takes one look at me and says, "Mommy, you got a sunburn!"

Wish me luck people, I'm going to need it!

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

My Baby Boy, A Future Oscar Winner


Talking with a friend at the kid's "playhouse" on Friday I was interrupted by an Earth rattling scream from Jackson followed by the explanation through hideously loud cries that his friend had sat on his arm.  He wouldn't move the arm and demanded I take him immediately to the doctor. To me, the arm looked perfectly fine. No bones sticking out at weird angles, no swelling, no bleeding. Yet Jackson insisted that it hurt so bad he couldn't even walk to the car.

Still not fully in belief that we had an emergency on our hands I carried him to the car and called the doctor to make a late afternoon appointment, which I informed them, would likely be cancelled assuming Jackson was "better" by then.  After arriving home Jackson spent four hours on the couch watching television and literally not moving the arm once.  So Momma gave in and to the doctor we went.  

To my utter horror, the doctor suggested that it felt like his arm may in fact have a break, and asked us to head over to the hospital for x-rays.  I literally couldn't have felt like a worse mother!  Why hadn't I believed him?  Why didn't I immediately take him to the emergency room after the first cry?  What kind of mother ignores her child's injuries?

The entire drive to the hospital my guilty conscious was throwing promises to the backseat: "How about after the hospital we go have dinner at any restaurant you want?"  "I promise you can have a piece of your Halloween candy as soon as the x-ray is taken?"  "Won't it be fun to color and paint your cast when we get home?"  I nearly cried as they were taking the x-rays and he screamed so loud that a technician from the front heard him and came back to help.  The guilt was overwhelming.  And then.....

As they went back to read the x-rays and Jackson and I were alone in the room he exclaims, "Mommy, these are the best doctors in the entire world, my arm is all better!!"  He then lifts it, twirls it, does push-ups with it, to prove to me that he has been saved.  The shock and horror on my face must have been evident as the technicians came back in the room.  Oh my how they laughed.  

I didn't laugh.  I don't even think I smiled.  I simply said, "we'll be on our way now, but don't be surprised if we are back soon."  The technician knew exactly what I meant as she replied, "when you actually do break his arm!"

Friday, October 26, 2012

He Said... She Thought

Jackson skiing in February
It appears winter is upon us here in the Rocky Mountains.  To my extreme disappointment, the first snow hit yesterday.  I know, why the hell do I live here if I don't like winter?  Well it isn't that I don't like winter, I just don't like winter from October to May.  I'd be perfectly happy with a three month winter, even four.  But when winter creeps into my fall and spring, I'm just not a happy mommy.

My four year old son Jackson on the other hand, couldn't have been happier to wake up to a lawn covered in white.  Before the sun had even risen he was standing by my bed waking me up to ask if he could look outside.  From there the conversation went a little like this:

Jackson said: "Mommy, everything is white outside.  Hooray!!"
Mommy thought: "Get back in bed and shut the hell up!"

Jackson said: "I'll have to wear my snow boots to school today!"
Mommy thought: "Where the hell are the snow boots?  Shit, his feet have gone up two sizes since last winter."

Jackson said: "Can we go outside now?"
Mommy thought: "No, we can go outside next June."

Jackson said: "I want to build a snowman."
Mommy thought: "I want to move to Hawaii."

Jackson said: "Let's get to school early so I can play with my friends outside."
Mommy thought: "The traffic will be terrible with all the boobs who don't have their snow tires on yet.  F%@#, are my snow tires on?"

Jackson said: "Does this mean I can start my skiing lessons?"
Mommy thought: "I don't have money for the ski lessons.  Why can't he just walk up and down the mountain for fun?"

Jackson said: "Mommmmmyyyyy, get up!!!"
Mommy thought: "May the winter games begin!"

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

How the F@%# Should I Know?



Mad respect for all of you home schoolers out there!  I don't know how you do it.  I mean seriously, how in the world do you know all of the answers??  My 4-year old Jackson has hit the curiosity stage.  Everything has become a question:

What are stars made of?
Where do lady bugs live?
What do sharks eat?
What day is it?
What is fog?
Where do lady bugs sleep?
How many dollars make up a nickel?
How much does this pumpkin weigh?
What is in lettuce?
What do lady bugs eat?

Some of these obviously I am able to answer, but I have to admit, I went to a pretty crappy public school and quite frankly didn't learn a whole hell of a lot.  Follow that up with four years of college where I received a degree in RECREATION Management, well let's just say I wasn't shooting for any stars.  

I grew up with a mom who was a school teacher and not only could have answered every question off his Nosey McNoserton lips, but she likely would have had an arts and crafts project to go along with the answer.  I on the other hand, did not inherit these traits, and look to others like his teachers to assist in the "correct" answer.  God forbid I send him to school telling all his friends that sharks prefer human meat over any other.  

Last week, after saying our prayers he began to ask me questions like:

Where does God live?
How can he hear us?
How can we see him?

Now here is an area that I dare not screw up.  Santa Claus questions I can work my way around, but God, well that's just territory I'm not willing to wreck.  And so, I am happy to admit, we are now Church Goers.  I've been wanting to start attending Church with the boys for a while now, and last week's questions I believe were a sign that there is no time like the present.  So I visited the local Methodist Church, which is what I attended before moving to Colorado.  I felt very welcome and look forward to taking the boys this weekend.  But I do have to say, there was one thing that scared me: apparently the parents take turns teaching Sunday School.  YIKES!!!!!  Guess I better pull out that Bible and start studying!

Monday, October 22, 2012

I Was Cool...for Two Weeks At Least


Finally, I moved into the ranks of the "cool kids" when I purchased my first iphone two weeks ago.  The Blackberry had become an embarrassment.  Every time I pulled it out I felt like the loser still wearing jelly shoes when clearly flip flops had taken over.

My delay rested solely on the day my upgrade became available.  A Verizon customer, my last upgrade took place as the "rumors" had begun that iphones would be available on Verizon.  Nothing had been confirmed yet, and when I asked the salesperson if he had any idea when it might happen, and if I would be smart to wait, his response was, "that's all just a bunch of rumors, I wouldn't expect anything soon."  I went with the pink blackberry only to wake to the news FIVE DAYS LATER that iphones were now available to Verizon customers.  Aside from driving back to the mall and kicking the sales persons ass, there wasn't much I could do.

So I waited, and waited, and waited.  When the day finally arrived I immediately went to the Verizon store and asked for the 4s.  I knew the 5 would be out in a matter of days but at this point I literally refused to wait another second.  When the store told me they didn't have the 4s in stock but would order it, I hopped in the car and drove 45 minutes to the next Verizon store so I could get it in my hand that day!

Once it was purchased, and I could hide the blackberry in the back of my most crowded junk drawer, I got straight to work.  Facebook app, check!  Twitter app, check!  Weather app, check!  Angry Birds, check!  Pandora app, check!  Instagram app, check!  I was all over it.  In a matter of days my new phone became 24 hour entertainment.  I literally couldn't put it down.

When we went to our local Fall Festival this past Saturday I obviously had the phone in attendance.  I had to capture all the fun shots of the boys with the animals, carving pumpkins and the like.  It was as we were driving home from the festival and I went to look for my phone that I realized it hadn't made it with us.  Frantic I drove back to the festival to search, I even scoured the shuttle bus we took there.  No sign of my new love.  I spent Saturday night feeling completely naked, drinking too much wine to drown my loss.

On Sunday morning I was greeted with a miracle.  Well sort of.  Someone had found it and gotten my number from a text I sent.  He warned me it wasn't in good shape.  Turns out I had dropped the phone by the shuttle drop off and (this is so hard to say) it was run over by a bus!

The screen is in shambles, it no longer rings, my pictures can't be seen and I am dying to play Sudoku but it just isn't happening.  New iphone for dumbos like myself who didn't get the insurance: $550!  Guess I'll be reaching in the junk drawer for the Blackberry again!  Oh, the shame!!

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Chatting with Cuervo


No, I didn't take too many shots of tequila and start talking to the bottle!  Cuervo is actually the name of my mom's newest addition to the house.  When her beloved min-pin had to suddenly be put down last spring due to cancer she was so heartbroken she went out and got a new dog immediately, this time a chihuahua mix she found at the pound.  She named the dog something silly like Boots but my Dad preferred Jose Cuervo for the little guy.  After trying her best to get him to stop she finally just joined in.

Cuervo joined us at the beach this past September when we went with my parents.  The boys instantly fell in love.  We have a chocolate lab at home, Boone.  Unfortunately Boone isn't very exciting for the boys.  Ten years old with bad knees, Boone isn't one for fetch, or chase, or well, much of anything besides eating.  So for the boys to have the full attention of a dog with endless energy was quite the treat.  They argued over who would hold his leash on walks, who got to run around the beach house with Cuervo's stuffed animal while he chased them, whose lap Cuervo would sit on.

When we got back home after a week of Cuervo fun, Jackson ran quickly into our house only to come out crying, "Boone's too bigggggg!!!!"  Tough luck kiddo!

Cuervo enjoyed the boys as much as they enjoyed him.  Needless to say life with two retirees isn't exactly full of chases for the little guy.  Mom said the dog spent days after the boys left pouting around the house, sad for his loss.  But not for long...  A few days ago, when I handed over the phone to Jackson to say hi to his grandma, I suddenly hear him saying, "Hi Cuervo, good dog, I missed you, what are you doing?"  Wait a minute, you're talking to the dog???  On the phone????

According to mom the dog loved it!  His ears perked up and he took in every word.  As if I didn't waste enough of my phone minutes on Jackson telling his grandparents long drawn out stories of a trip to the park or an exceptional moment on the potty, now I get to pay for him to talk to the damn dog too!!

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Watching Other People Watch


I am so excited for the Presidential Debate tonight!  No, not because I'm interested in what our future President and future reality television star have to say about the economy, abortion or military spending, but for the hilarious jokes the remarks from the two will spark on Twitter!  I must say, I have never enjoyed a political debate more than the one two weeks ago when I spent the entire night following what the world had to say on Twitter while Obama and Romney battled it out.  As my husband put it: "This is unbelievable, I'm sitting here watching the debate and your sitting there watching other people watch the debate!"

How could I help myself?  With lines coming from Chris Rock like "Obama will be pulling Bin Laden's skull out any minute, wait, wait."  And how about all of those Big Bird lines?  Hilarious!!  Who knows what the world of the funny and famous will come up with tonight.

This has become a hobby of mine, hopping on Twitter for a big event and hearing what the rest of the world has to say. Like last nights #MNF game (that's Monday Night Football for my non-sports watching fans!). I had a ball kicking insults with the likes of @PeytonManningsHead, @tombradysego and @notsportscenter! I'm sure they were wondering why a @mommysjuice was so interested in football!!

This new hobby drives the hubby crazy but what can I say, the rest of the world just has much more interesting things to say than him!  Bring it on #debate!

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Shopping for Sharks



Why can't my child be like other little boys and want nothing more than a Buzz Lightyear costume for Halloween?  Or maybe even a Ninga, a Transformer, a Pirate or Fireman?  No, these common costumes, found at every Target in town just wouldn't do for Jackson.  Hence why I spent my entire Saturday morning listening to the screams and cries of a four year old who just couldn't make up his mind!

When my sister and I were toddlers my mom bought two alien costumes.  One was green the other yellow.  We must have taken turns on colors for four years before finally begging for something new.  There is absolutely no way I could get by with that type of move in my house.  Share?  A costume?  Believe me, they aren't having it!

Trey of course is still easy.  Having not yet reached the two year old mark I am still able to put him in hand me downs from Halloween's past.  Although, because he's smaller than his brother this years hand me downs wouldn't fit, leading me to purchase the first $12/dragon costume I saw on the shelf.  Five minutes, done!

Jackson on the other hand had his heart set on being a shark for Halloween.  Before attempting to hit the small amount of stores available in our backyard, I searched online.  Old Navy had the PERFECT shark, but unfortunately not in his size.  Pottery Barn had an adorable little shark as well but at $60 they can keep that costume!  No way will I be spending $60 bucks for a one night gig!  So we ventured into Target and of course, they have a cute shark costume waiting for us.  Unfortunately it only came in infant sizes.  Breakdown #1.

After thirty minutes of going through every Target costume available, it was decided that Jackson could live without being a shark, but he absolutely had to be an alligator now.  Off to Wal Mart we go!

Wal Mart had to have the sorriest batch of costumes I've ever seen.  Unless your four year old wants to be a blood covered zombie, vampire, or other murderer, you are pretty much out of luck.  Hence, breakdown #2 commences.  Knowing my arsenal of Halloween costume shops is running out, I talk my screaming child into Spiderman, one of the only Wal Mart characters he actually recognized.  He agreed, although disappointed, which of course made me disappointed, but I knew we were running out of options.

On a whim, I swung through the second hand kids store just to give it one last shot.  I was amazed to walk into a selection of every possible Halloween costume imaginable.  Including.......  one very handsome alligator in a (drum roll please) 4T.  Okay, so maybe its actually a dragon costume, but it has a tail and is green, so what the kid doesn't know won't hurt him!!

Happy Halloween!!!

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Get Me Outta the Outhouse!



I love camping.  It has to be one of my favorite things to do.  There is just something about being in the middle of nowhere, with no phone service, no email, no electricity, that allows me to let go and enjoy myself more so than almost anywhere.  But I must say, camping with kids is, well, not quite as enjoyable.

After a weekend camping trip to Moab, Utah I have determined the five below reasons why camping SUCKS with toddlers:

  1. Diaper Changes: what should be a simple clean up turns into an all out war when trying to remove sand and dirt from the kid's wiener.  A wipe becomes like a solid piece of ice hitting his sensitive areas and has him screaming loud enough to wake the wildlife.
  2. Outhouse Trips: not only do I have to visit the God Awful smelling outhouse for my own personal reasons, but now every time my four year old needs to go potty my presence is demanded.  Do you know how many times a four year old potties over three days?  I'm still not breathing right.
  3. Three Boys in a Tent: as if sharing a tent with my husband wasn't troublesome enough, now I have the addition of two more boys.  Snores, coughs and of course farts!  Once again, I am still not breathing right.
  4. Campfire fun: is no longer campfire fun.  It's campfire freak out as I spent the entire night begging my kids to "stay away from the fire!"  When they aren't deliberately trying to jump in, they are running around going crazy with the possibility of falling in a constant concern.
  5. Rise and shine: the kid's clocks aren't going to change just because we are sleeping outside, wide awake they are at the crack of dawn, demanding attention before the sun has even risen above the mountain.  I can handle this early rising in a warm house, but in the cold outdoors its just not pleasant. Especially when our first business of the day will be a ice pack diaper change followed by a trip to the outhouse!
And of course, the number one reason why camping with the kids doesn't suck:

  1. The realization that one day they will no longer want to go camping with mom and dad and we'll miss the hell out of them!


Thursday, October 4, 2012

Living Next Door to Homer Simpson

Checking out the lot across the way
We moved into our house almost three years ago.  It's not much, but its ours, and I love it!  What I love most is the location.  Right outside the door are hiking and biking trails, the river, ponds, and plenty of room for the kids to "explore."  One of our favorite exploring spots happens to be two lots that are currently for sale directly beside our home.  The lots are beautiful, with amazing views of the mountains, however they are costly and have been on the market since we moved in.

I dread the thought of someone coming in and building a ginormous house that will block our beautiful views and take away our favorite spot to explore.  I'm sure its bound to sell soon, but in the meantime I've made it my secret mission to convince any lookers that they wouldn't want to be our neighbor.

How you ask?  Simple, whenever I see a car pull up to the lot I immediately do the following:

  • Put the dog outside with instructions to bark
  • Tell the hubby to grab a Budweiser, take his shirt off and go sit on the front porch
  • and the best of all.... send both kid's outside to "play"
What person in their right mind wants to be neighbors with The Simpsons?  I'm just waiting for the real estate agent to knock on my door and ask me if we could keep our shenanigans down, but thus far, SUCCESS!!

Monday, October 1, 2012

What Not To Feed a Drunk 4-Year Old

Oh, I'm kidding he wasn't really drunk, just high, really, really high!

I had to take Jackson to get a cavity filled last week.  During his previous visit to the Dentist (in which he cried so loud I think people in the lobby actually left) it was determined that there was no possible way this procedure was going to take place without drugs.  They would need to use a light anesthesia, which of course would jack my bill up another $500 thank you very much.

Now I know quite a few of you are thinking "why in the world would she spend that much money on baby teeth?" and believe me, I asked myself this question many times.  I even had him go to another dentist for a second opinion.  In the end, the procedure seemed like the right thing to do.

This wouldn't be Jackson's first time with anesthesia, he had tubes placed in his ears a few years back.  But this would most certainly be a more unique experience.  With the tubes, I handed Jackson over to the nurses and got him back in pretty much the same shape he left in.  With the dentist, another story entirely!  After drinking the jungle juice that was meant to place him in a "conscious sedation" the dentist asked me to take Jackson out into the lobby and wait about 10 minutes until it had taken affect with instructions to "keep a close eye on him, you'll start noticing he'll get a little wobbly."

A little wobbly??  How about completely and totally off of his ass!  Literally two minutes into playing a game in the lobby he starts swaying back and forth, slurring words, and behaving like a pledge on initiation night.  By the time the dentist came to get him I was holding him in my lap while he made goo-goo noises at the cute 3-year old he'd just scared to death.

After the procedure was complete I walked into the room to find him flat on his back watching a movie on a television screen on the ceiling.  I believe he may have said, "hi mommy, look what I am watching" but the slurring was still in full effect so for all I know it could have been, "thanks a lot you stupid bitch."  The dentist filled me in on how wonderful everything went and then started explaining what I could expect over the next hour as the sedative wore off.  WHAT???  I could not believe they were actually about to send me home with Jackson still in fraternity land.

Once I had him safely in his car seat he managed to make out the word "McDonalds," which of course I had promised him prior to the appointment since he couldn't eat that morning.  No way was I taking this child inside, people would think I'd given him a strawberry margarita for breakfast, so I grabbed a sausage McMuffin at the drive through and pulled over.  Where I stayed, for a while...

Sandwich in hand, Jackson begins pulling it apart piece by piece and examining each item with the eyes of a newborn.  "What a fancy sandwich," he says.  He only dropped said sandwich pieces about 15 times, spilled his orange juice about 10 times, and thanked me for his breakfast about 20 times.  Oh well, at least he's a polite drunk!

Friday, September 28, 2012

One Sip at a Time



It's been awhile since I continued the story of Trey's birth and gastroschisis surgery and recovery.   So today I'll pick up where I left off.  For the full story please visit On A Serious Note by clicking here.

After hearing the bad news on Christmas about Trey's setbacks, I had my mom and Jackson (then 2 and a half) in the car first thing the following morning for the three and half hour trek back to the hospital in Denver.  With not knowing how long Trey would be in the hospital we had decided it made more sense for Travis to stay at home and work.  If there were any emergencies I knew all I had to do was call and he'd be there as fast as possible.

We had also decided that for financial reasons we would be staying at the Ronald McDonald House, located just a short walk from the hospital.  I had visited the House earlier, knowing we would be spending time in Denver, and was floored by what an amazing facility it was.

But before going to check-in at RMH, my first priority was to get to the hospital and see my baby boy.  I left mom and Jackson in the lobby when we got there.  Jackson was below the age to visit in NICU and I wanted a moment alone with Trey before having mom come in.

As I mentioned earlier, when we had left on Christmas Eve, just two days prior, Trey was doing amazingly well.  All of the doctors commented on how fast he was recovering.  Seeing him two days later was like seeing an entirely different baby.  They had him set up with the lights for the jaundice and had put a tube down his throat to help collect the green and black substance that was coming from his stomach due to his rejection of the milk.  He looked TERRIBLE.

I just sat and held his little thumb and cried and cried.  The guilt from having left for less than two days was killing me. Although I knew spending Christmas morning with Jackson was the right thing to do and had I stayed at the hospital it would have made no difference in Trey's condition, I still felt terrible.  I kept explaining to the nurse that I was normally not this emotional.  I simply could not stop crying!

When I returned to the lobby my mom was jumping at her chance to go meet her new grandson, but I just couldn't let her.  What I had seen brought me to my knees, I couldn't let this be her first look.  As disappointed as she was, she understood, and we left to check-in at RMH.

As I've mentioned before, there simply aren't enough positive things I can say about the Ronald McDonald House.  From the moment we checked-in I felt so much support from both the staff and the other parents staying there.  The facility itself was amazing, with playgrounds both in and outside for Jackson, full kitchens stocked with all the necessities, comfortable rooms, free laundry, libraries, computer room, games, movies, you name it.  Then there are the volunteers.  So many people give so much time and they couldn't be more appreciated.  During my stay nearly every dinner (and some breakfast's and lunch's too) were provided by volunteers.  Families, businesses, community organizations, they truly made our stay feel like a home away from home.  My mom, having been skeptical about staying there, was completely blown away.  Upon leaving she bought some toys to leave at the House and continually sends donations.

While in NICU I had certain visiting times where I could change Trey's diaper and take his temperature.  I realize that doesn't sound like much, but I so cherished those moments as they were all I had.  They took place every four hours and I found myself creating a little schedule around them.  Get up, pump, go to hospital, eat breakfast with mom & Jackson, pump, play with Jackson, go to hospital, pump, eat lunch, nap with Jackson, pump, go to hospital... and so on.  I was trying so hard to show Jackson as much attention as I could.  We went to the zoo one day, another perk from RMH, all guests get free entrance into the Denver Zoo.  Another perk was the gift of four Club Seats for a Denver Broncos game, which someone had donated to the House for guests.  Travis came down and he, my mom and I, took Jackson to his first game.  It was a real blessing to have such a special day during such a stressful time.

I'll be forever grateful to my mom for her help during this time.  I couldn't have done it all without her.

As the week went on Trey began to improve and I was finally able to feed him.  Well I guess you could call it that.  We would take some of the milk I had pumped and put it in a syringe, we'd feed him the tiniest amount you can imagine, starting at 1cc, then sit and wait for four hours to see how it affected his stomach.  During the wait, if Trey wasn't sleeping, he was screaming his head off!  He was starving, but there was nothing we could do.  We had to make sure his stomach would accept the offerings.  If it did, then four hours later we'd add another 1-2 cc's.  If you don't know what a cc is, think of it as a sip of water.  That was literally about all he was getting at a time.

The goal was 16 cc's.  When he was finally able to take that amount down we would start trying to breastfeed.  This was a torturous process.  We'd get to 4 then have to go back to 1.  We'd get to 10 then have to go back to 5.  We'd get to 12 and have to go back to 7.  This poor baby was starving and I couldn't help him.

Today, at 21 months old, Trey eats more than any child I've ever seen.  He simply can't get enough.  And when you feed him, he stuffs as much in his mouth as he can at once.  I am convinced this is based on those early weeks, when he couldn't get what he wanted.  Maybe that's why I let him stuff his face today.  I'm just so damn happy to see the kid eat!

More to come.....



Wednesday, September 26, 2012

When Girls Out Became Girls Night In


For weeks I had been looking forward to this girls weekend.  One of my best friends Mallory, who moved to Florida last spring was coming to town, kid free!  Not only did I have a hall pass from the hubby, but somehow I also convinced him to watch my friend Shelly's daughter on Saturday night so she could come out with us.  I had all of my hangover cures lined-up and ready.  Look out nightlife, mom's are on the loose!

After multiple texts on Friday while I was at work it was determined that Mallory's plane had indeed landed and it was time to meet her at the bar.  Off to Happy Hour we go!  We spent a beautiful evening sitting outside, drinking cocktails and of course catching up on what our kids were up too.  How do they like the new schools in Florida?  What was the birthday party like?  Are they making new friends?  I don't think the conversation turned from our children for more than ten minutes and that time was spent bitching about our husbands, as true best friends always do.

As it got later and things started to kick into gear with some of our child-free friends that had arrived, I started to notice my yawns, my full tummy, my slurring of words.  Then I remembered my husband had a meeting at 9 the next morning and I was going to have to watch the kids for a few hours.  Suddenly, no hangover cure in the world sounded sufficient enough and I found myself on the 9:15pm bus home.  9:15!!!!  This people, is an embarrassment.

Knowing I had let myself down on Friday, I was determined to make up for it on Saturday night.  Although there was a little headache in the back of my head that was trying to tell me otherwise.  Our plan was to have dinner at my house then hop on the bus up to the bars.  Mallory arrived in way worse shape than I was as she had stayed out in the land of the kid-free and had herself a good ole time.  Shelly showed up next ready to go crazy with her free babysitter lined-up and a clear head going in.

We started with a bottle of wine and dinner, over which Mallory and I filled Shelly in on what she had missed Friday.  Upon hearing I had made a 9:15 exit Shelly proceeded to heckle me with lines like: "what happened to you!" and "when did you become such a lightweight?"  From here I fast forward two hours.  I fast forward to Shelly on my front porch, never having left the house, never hitting a single bar, never using her free babysitter, just falling asleep quietly in the corner hoping that no one is looking.

Yes, it is official, we are old!  We are old mothers who we can't stand spending a single moment hungover with.  We are old mothers who could care less about going out to a bar because a bar costs money and we spend all of ours on diapers and juice boxes.  We are old mothers who no longer talk about how cute the bartender is because we are too busy talking about how cute our kids are.  We are old mothers who are happier spending time together with our families instead of ourselves.  We are old mothers who can laugh just as hard at home with a glass of wine as we can on any dance floor on ladies night.  We are old mothers, best friends, and lovers of girls night in!

Sunday, September 23, 2012

You Like Racing?


As I've mentioned frequently in this blog, I often get a lot of grief from my husband on my Southern roots.  Having not grown up in the South, he doesn't understand or appreciate some of the idiosyncrasies' of the Southern people.  Particularly the Southern people with missing teeth.

So you can imagine my joy when we arrived at our beach house for vacation last week and were greeted on the sand by our neighbor, who just happened to be missing two front teeth!  Beer and cigarette in hand, he introduced himself to us as, "Kid."  Kid was out fishing with his buddy, who happened to have the biggest beer belly I've ever seen and absolutely no fear of showing it off, and his wife who was, shall I say, not small.  Kid also had a kid!  His son was four like our son Jackson and the two immediately started playing together, no introduction necessary, leaving Travis, Kid and I time to get to know each other.

Ten minutes into "fishing" talk I had pretty much had it and pulled Jackson away from the bucket of fish he was picking up to go inside.  An hour later I sat in the house wondering where in the hell Travis could be.  I was shocked when I looked out the window and saw him still out on the beach drinking a beer with Kid.  Was he warming up to Southern characters or was he just avoiding me and the kids after a horrific travel day?

Half an hour later he rolls in and I wait for the insults to start rolling off his tongue.  What I got shocked me!  Not only had he enjoyed his time talking with Kid, he actually found Kid to be very intelligent and was looking forward to going out shark fishing with him later that night.  I couldn't believe my ears.  Was he really befriending a Southern Redneck.  "Yeah, I really liked him," he says, "I think it's my camouflage hat, it helps me fit in anywhere."  At this point I had to know what they were out there talking about all that time and as I should have guessed: fishing and NASCAR.  Travis, not being a big NASCAR fan said he was a bit taken aback when in the middle of discussing the difference in fly fishing and ocean fishing Kid pops up with the question, "You like racing?"  But I explained it to him, "that's when he realized he liked you honey, but before taking the friendship any further he needed to know what team you were with."  Welcome to the South Baby!


Wednesday, September 19, 2012

How To Ruin Your Sister's Vacation


I'm happy to report that I haven't posted lately because I have been on VACATION!!  My job is at its busiest during the summer months, wrapping up with a huge event over Labor Day weekend.  As soon as that is in the record books I hightail it out of town for a bit, this year to the Outer Banks in North Carolina for a week vacation on the beach with the kids, hubby, my parents and my sister and her husband.

Did I mention my sister doesn't have kids nor does she want any???   I've never really understood this, but also haven't pried, as the decision to have children is certainly a personal one.  But I do wonder, with a husband who is a teacher and a Cuban Catholic, you'd think they would have an entire tribe of youngins', but again, not my business.

This was her first time meeting our youngest son Trey and only the second time she has met Jackson.  Living on opposite sides of the country can cause issues like this!  Leading into the trip I really did try my best to warn her.  I sent casual emails and texts with lines like: "Hope you are resting up!" and "Enjoy the quiet while you have it!"  Each of these she would respond to along the lines of: "I don't know what you are talking about, I'm about to go on vacation."

For people without children apparently a week at the beach means "relaxation."  That is when those people without children aren't going with their sister and her two demon boys.  My sister realized this on morning #1 when she was awoken with a full-on orchestra of screams from Trey demanding an additional waffle.  This of course was followed by more screaming as the two toddlers chased my mother's chihuahua around the house yelling his name over and over, "Cuervo, Cuervo, Cuervo!"

Awake and angry she immediately hits the beach for reading and napping.  Or at least that's what she thinks! My monsters had another idea in mind.  Right on her toes they follow to the sand which they then begin digging and throwing in her direction.

Her nights of enjoying a cocktail while watching the sunset were interrupted by the constant screams of "AUNT HEA--THER" demanding she play a game.  Her dreams of spending quality time with her husband were destroyed as he was in high-demand for hide and seek and castle building.

By the time our week had ended Aunt Heather was more than happy to pack her bags and head back to her peaceful child-free home, thousands and thousands of miles from her precious nephews.  Her last words before we left: "next year we're getting separate condos!"

We love you Aunt Heather!


Wednesday, September 5, 2012

My Burly Husband: The Household Bitch



My loving husband Travis is definitely a "man."  He's worked in construction, he drinks Budweiser on a daily basis and usually by 7pm at night he smells so bad you don't want to be near him. And yet somehow he still manages to be the "woman" of the household.  Stereotypes which normally are saved for the woman of a household seem to fit this man perfectly, and I thoroughly enjoy pointing this out to him as frequently as possible.  Here I give just a few examples of why my husband is a "bitch" and my response to his bitchy behavior:

Example #1:
All men seem to complain about how long it takes their "women" to get ready to go anywhere. At our house the kids and I are in the car, buckled in, and waiting for Daddy every single time we go out.  When His Highness finally appears I am more than happy to greet him with:

"Forget your tampons?"
"Did you need to apply a fresh layer of lipstick before leaving?"
"Really, you're wearing that?  I think your pink mini-skirt would look much better."

Example #2:
The annoyance normally reserved for women when men do stupid things like leaving the toilet seat up, in our house falls upon my husband when I overlook things as simple as pushing the trash down as far in the can as I can to avoid having to empty it, or spit out my toothpaste and not rinse out the entire sink.  And here are a sample of responses he receives when pointing these annoyances out to me:

"Don't get your panties in such a bunch!"
"Somebody must have their period."
"Thanks for the reminder Betty Crocker."

Example #3:
This man can talk on the phone to his fishing buddies for HOURS at a time.  Just yapping away like a teenage girl with her besties.  For these instances I use the following:

"Can you please tell your girlfriend you'll call her back?"
"Should I leave the room for this?"
"Are you guys planning your next fishing trip to Brokeback Mountain?"

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

The Day the Water Broke


Here's a story I've been saving.  For what exactly I don't know.  Maybe to save myself further embarrassment, or maybe to save until I had enough followers to fully appreciate it.  Whatever the reason, I saved it, and now, at last, I share it: the day the water broke!

Exactly eight months and two weeks pregnant with my first child, I had gone into my check-up on a Monday and been informed that yes I was dilated, but only by a small fraction.  "What does that mean," I asked?  "It means you could go into labor tonight, or you could go into labor next month."  Thank you modern science for such a reassuring answer.

Because I had gained so little weight, the thought of my going into labor early seemed extremely unlikely, to both myself and my doctors. So I left my appointment that day with little fear that anything monumental was soon to come.

The following day I woke up as usual and headed to work.  Tuesday's were staff meeting day, and as I would do on any other Tuesday I headed over to the conference room at 10am to start the "most boring hour of the week."  This Tuesday however would prove to be different thanks to the fact that the moment I sat down for the uneventful meeting I immediately felt what I knew had to be the break of the levee.

Trying not to make a scene in a staff meeting of 8 I turned to the co-worker next to me and quietly whispered, "I think my water just broke."  In an attempt to save my pride she offered to go grab me a sweater to wrap around my waist so I could quietly leave the room.  But by this point the levee wasn't leaking, it was a full on flood and no sweater would disguise the puddle surrounding me.

And so the announcement was made followed by a variety of screams including:
"I have a blanket in my car!"
"Call 911"
"Who has leather seats?"
With me in the background crying, "this is so gross!!!!!"

Five minutes later my chair is rolled into the hallway with a blanket wrapped around my waist, a co-worker is outside speaking to a police officer on a bike, the only person with leather seats has pulled his truck up to the conference room door, and my boss is staring in shock at the office mangers breasts unable to speak a word due to his falling into a shock moments earlier.  I think it goes without saying that this was literally, without doubt, the most embarrassing moment of my entire life!

Upon arriving at the doctors office with the leather seat owning co-worker I sat with my doctor who says, "things like this almost never happen."  No shit doc!  Less than six hours later Jackson Tyler Beard was welcomed to the world.  Guess somebody was in a hurry!

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Seriously - You Can Eat Off of These Floors!

My husband always jokes about how weird it was when we were leaving the hospital two days after the birth of our first son Jackson and the nurse who walked us out to the car said, "have fun with your baby!"  I don't think he had even considered the fact that we were about to be completely on our own with this new (screaming) creature until she left us standing alone in the parking lot with that sentence and a smile.  On our own and completely unprepared!


Oh sure, we were prepared with things like a crib, diapers, cute little onsies and special baby soaps.  All the things you actually think about and plan in advance.  What we weren't prepared for was what exactly to do with this 6 pound 12 ounce bundle of barf and belly-aching.  Some call it colic, some call it gas, I call it HELL.  For the nearly 12 hours per day that Jackson was awake, I'll estimate he cried at least 11 hours and 14 minutes of it!  I was literally losing my mind.

Scared to take him anywhere I felt chained to my house, watching hour after hour of Beverly Hills 90210 and The OC reruns at full blast to hear over his racket.  We tried everything to stop the crying: long drives in the car, long walks in the stroller, music, swings, and my personal favorite: the vacuum cleaner.  I read that the noise could help, and believe it or not, it did!  Not to mention, my floor was never so spotless.  Eventually we'd just turn the damn thing on and leave it in a corner for hours at a time, just to get the kid to stop wailing.  He'd sit in his swing, screaming his head off, and as soon as the vacuum started, he'd silence.

I eventually downloaded a full CD of just vacuum noise, but it just didn't have the same effect as the real thing. At this point, a $500 electricity bill didn't sound so bad compared to the sound of the devil wailing in my ear every waking minute.  And so it continued, full nights of a vacuum running to keep the kid asleep, full days of my running outside to talk on the phone because the noise in the house was too deafening to hear the party on the other line, but the baby was asleep!

At around four months the "colic" had passed and the crying went from 50% of the day to around 5.  My sanity had been tested in a way it had never been tested before and I came out on top, well maybe a litter grayer on top, but on top nonetheless.  A year later as I was dropping Jackson at daycare one of the teachers was vacuuming the room.  He ran to the door screaming "bots, bots, bots (his baby word for vacuum)."  His teacher laughed turning off the machine and told me, "Jackson just loves it when we vacuum, he is so fascinated by it."   Why am I not the least bit surprised?

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Friday Funnies 8.17


This week's winners for the funniest moments go to:

Hubby: "Where are the kids?"
Me: "I got rid of them"
Hubby: "How much did you get?"
Me: "I had to pay."

Jackson as I'm undressing in the changing room at the pool, "Wow, you really don't have a penis!"

Taking two kids to Costco = BAD IDEA
As Trey is throwing the giant package of towels out of the cart I scream: "That is not funny Trey"
while the man walking by us laughing hysterically says, "yes it is!"

Two examples of when bribery backfires:
1. I joined Jackson's class for a picnic in the park.  As I was getting up to leave Jackson got upset and was crying for me to stay.  Having to get back to work I told him, "if you can stop crying and be good for your teacher the rest of the day when I pick you up we can go to the store and you can pick out WHATEVER you want for dinner."
Insert teacher's big mouth, "Oh Jackson you should chose sushi!"
Insert angry mom's response, "are you paying?  Then shut up!"

2. As Jackson is literally screaming his head off at the dentist while they are trying to clean his teeth I make the promise, "Jackson if you quit screaming we can make brownies when we get home."  Ten minutes later I'm informed he has a cavity and have the nurse say jokingly, "maybe those brownies aren't such a good idea after all."  Thanks for that great advice!

While at a work dinner at a Board Member's home I get a call from my husband.  Assuming it was an emergency I answer to hear Jackson on the other line tell me a VERY detailed story that ended with, "and I pooped on the potty and guess what?  It was bigger than Daddy's!"  After telling him how proud I was I hang up only to have the entire dinner party ask me what he had done.
Prepare to loose your appetites everyone!

Have a great (and funny) weekend!

Monday, August 13, 2012

I'm Not Seeing Double Yet Blogging


You may not know this but I'm actually not the only writer in the family (if I can even use that word to describe myself).  My hubby was an English Major in College who has a very unique wit to his writing which I find quite talented.  Unfortunately he has put that talent to zero use in his current career field of property management.  Until recently that is, when he was asked by a friend to jot down some ideas for a screenplay.

Automatically I began dreaming of long days by the pool with a book in one hand and cocktail in another following the millions of dollars I'm certain he'll be making us.  I'm quickly awaken from this dream by the realization that hubby has absolutely no idea how to go about writing a screenplay.  Being the loving (and hopeful!) wife that I am, I stop what I am doing and rush to local library to check-out any book on screenplay writing I can get my hands on.

Knowing hubby's sense of humor I immediately grab a book titled, "Writing Movies for Fun and Profit"  written by the creators of one of my favorite television shows, Reno 911.  If you have never watched this little gem I highly recommend it!  Not only did the book attract his attention, it attracted mine, especially one particular chapter titled, "I'm Drinking Too Much, Is That a Problem"

According to the authors: "Not only is heavy drinking NOT a problem - it very may well HELP WITH YOUR WRITING!"  Another helpful tip: "Daily, consistent use of alcohol can open up the wonderful hinterlands of your brain!  There are ideas lurking in the corners of your mind.  TAP THEM - as you would tap a marvelous key of frothy lager." 

Well obviously I had to put this sound piece of advice to the test and immediately pulled out the computer along with a bottle of Chardonnay to start typing.  Or shoudl i sya TPIYNG.  Sure a few glasses in I had ideas coming out of nowhere, the problem was actually getting them on the page.  Between misspellings, fragmented sentences, and udder nonsense paragraphs that I am certain started off as great ideas, I had wasted an entire night blogging about absolute shit.

So I guess I'll stick to sober blogging, or maybe I should say good-buzz blogging, or better yet "I'm not seeing double yet" blogging, and see where that gets me.  It might not be a lounge chair by the pool, but maybe I can at least grab an afternoon at the park sharing a park bench with the homeless.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Friday Funnies Are Back!!

One of my favorite posts as "Margs for Mommy" was the Friday Funnies!  A recap of what made me laugh hardest in the past week.  I loved the Friday Funnies so much I've decided to resurrect them here at Mommy's Juice.  Because really, who doesn't love a laugh on Friday!


Jackson, our 4-year old, upon seeing a car pulled over by a cop on the side of the road: "Ohhhh. bad choice."  Wonder if he'll still think that when he's 16.

Speaking of being pulled over, why is it that I only seem to remember I lost my driver's license when I am catch myself speeding as I pass a cop?

Comment from Jackson as we pass a VW Bug: "What a fancy little car!"

Upon returning home from getting my hair done:
Jackson: "Mommy your hair looks beautiful."
Husband: "How many colors is that exactly?"
Guess who I love more??

Saddest, yet true, thing I heard all week: comment from the hairdresser as I was leaving,
"we'll see you at Christmas." Yes, I am that slack!

Biggest Accomplishment of the Week:
Ms. I Do Not Cook made homemade peach ice cream with the boys and it was the BOMB!  No I don't have intentions of hitting Breyer's up for a job anytime soon, but for someone who sucks in the kitchen this one felt good.

Biggest Disappointment of the Week:
Seeing the damn US Women's Volleyball Team wear the bikini's.  Which of course made all the men who were complaining about full body clothing happy.

Sent the office intern to the grocery store with a list that included Nice Coffee.
She calls me from the coffee aisle to let me know they don't carry that brand.  Adjective my dear!


What was your funny highlight of the week?????




Tuesday, August 7, 2012

You Might Be A Redneck...



As a Southern girl married to a man who has lived all over the entire country and puts the South towards the top of his "unappealing" list (I know, what the hell was I thinking!) I have often heard the statement, "please don't ever tell that story again, it makes you sound like such a redneck."  Well sweetie, I hate to break it to you, but not only did you marry a redneck, but that redneck blood is now running through your baby boys veins too!!  I'm not talking broken down car sitting on the front lawn redneck, but a mild redneck, a redneck that stems from occasional memories that drive him insane.  So I share these examples with you now, redneck, or just damn funny??

You might be a redneck if:

high school students drove your school bus. People almost never believe me when I share this, but high school students did in fact drive my bus up until I was in middle school.  It was some type of work release program for them.  To prove this fact I have a picture taken at my best friend's house with the bus her older brother drove parked in their front yard.  He used to come home and sweep off all the cigarette butts (yep, even more redneck!)

you've ever started a sentence with, "One time at a wresting match.."  No, I'm not talking high school sport wrestling, I'm talking Nature Boy Ric Flair, The American Dream Dusty Rhodes, and my personal favorites The Rock n' Roll Express!  I was addicted as a young girl and when the NWA came through town you best believe I was there.

you know people who actually fill their coolers with beer to bring into the living room during a NASCAR race so they won't miss any of the action by getting up and going to the fridge.  And don't even ask what they do if they need to go to the bathroom.

your prom date had a mustache. My brother-in-law noticed my prom picture in the living room while he and my sister were dating (it has since been removed) and could not believe my date had a mustache.  He was even more shocked when he heard this date was actually in my grade, not some old man I found on the side of the road.

"shop" was a class requirement at your High School.  At least Auto Mechanics was optional.

when you hear gunshots from next door you don't call 911.  No reason too, you know its just the neighbor hoping to hit a few squirrels.

you can even remotely relate to where I'm coming from!


Sunday, August 5, 2012

Things That Make You Say Sh*t!

I've always been a bit of a potty mouth, so I really do try to tone it down when I'm around the boys.  But sometimes you just have those moments when you can't help but throw out a four letter bomb.  Here are just a few of the things that make me say sh*t!!



When you hear your child say, "mommy I have to go poop," and realize there is literally no bathroom in site.

When you go to make your morning coffee and realize you're out of beans.

When your phone rings in the middle of the day and caller id reads: daycare.

When you get home from a night out and realize you have no cash to pay the illegal babysitter.

When you get to daycare and realize your child's lunch didn't make it there with you.

When you get the 24 hour "reminder" call for the doctor/dentist/etc. appointment you scheduled 6 months in advance.

When after grocery shopping with two unruly children you get to the check-out line and realize you've left your purse in the car.

When you're dressing your child for school and realize there is no clean underwear in the house.

When you've promised your child a play date only to have the other child's parents cancel at the last minute.

When you thought it was safe to wear white and then realized you were an idiot.

When your 3-year old repeats the four letter word you have just slipped, only to make you repeat the four letter word you have just slipped again!

So... what is it that makes you say sh*t?

Thursday, August 2, 2012

The Definition of Me!


I recently saw a celebrity interview in which the question was asked "how would define yourself?"  Pretty broad and yet pretty interesting.  I started thinking about myself and how I'll answer that question when I'm famous (a girl can dream right?).  And so here it is, not Webster's approved, but I have to guess Wikipedia would roll with it.

What defines ME (noun):
  1. my children 
  2. a country town 
  3. a barefoot walk on fresh cut grass
  4. an ice cold beer on a hot day
  5. a good meal with an even better glass of wine
  6. adventure
  7. the laugh that makes you cry
  8. the tears that come from joy
  9. a constant movement
  10. simplicity
  11. a 45 hour work week
  12. a prayer made in the middle of nowhere
  13. a glass half full
  14. the crash of a wave
  15. front porch sitting
  16. a misspelled word
  17. an sweater two sizes too big
  18. a long talk with a good friend
  19. a chocolate lab
  20. a fall day in a mountain town
  21. dirty dishes
  22. footsteps on fresh snow
  23. a work in progress
  24. a love that hurts
  25. a good piece of gossip (or should I say "juice")
Think about it, how would you define yourself?

Monday, July 30, 2012

Kinda Wondering What Party Mom & Dad Were Smoking...



After working late on Friday and Saturday night I was looking forward to a relaxing Sunday night at home. Jackson had a birthday party to go to that afternoon, after which I was planning to hit the grocery store and pick up something yummy for hubby to make for dinner while we watched the Olympics. Unfortunately this plan fell apart.  Why?  My money is on a little girl's parents smoking some funny right before her 4th birthday party!

With a start time of 3pm on a Sunday afternoon I went into this party imagining a departure time of 5pm at the latest.  The party was for a girl in Jackson's class at preschool whose family I don't know.  But she and Jackson seem to be good friends so I hated for him to miss it.  Upon arrival I recognized a few faces but still felt like a bit of a loner as I didn't know anyone better than the occasional "Good Morning," "How ya doing's" we've shared during drop off and pick up. Therefore I spent most of the party in that awkward position of "the mom everyone thinks they should make small talk with."  Have I mentioned I'm not a fan of small talk?  Oh the things we do for our children!

After letting the kids play for what seemed like an eternity party dad looks at party mom and says, "what about the arts & crafts?"  To which she replied, "oh my goodness I totally forgot!" Out comes projects for all of the kids, fun but just a little over their heads, and therefore needing to be finished by party mom one right after another.  I tried to assist in order to speed up operations but unfortunately crafts have never been my strong point so I think I was holding things up more than helping.  When every child finally had their pirate sword or princess tiara in place, party dad starts the grilled cheese sandwiches.  A good choice for kids, but not exactly something you can make mass quantities of quickly.

Forty five minutes later the kid's meal was ready.  As they began eating I see party dad pull out a plate full of raw tuna for the grille.  Apparently this was to be the adults meal (BTW - damn good choice party dad!) that he started cooking after the kids ate.  At this point, I realize we've hit the 5pm mark and although I hate to miss the tuna and of course more small talk, I start searching for Jackson to make our exit.  But let's be serious here, what kid is going to leave a birthday party before cake is served.  So I waited for my tuna and proceeded with another twenty minutes of small talk, including an interesting conversation in which party dad makes the joke that when he started college his only interest was in making water bongs.  AHA - at this point I realize why this party is lasting an eternity, party mom and dad are on another planet! At the very end of the tuna dinner party dad tells party mom, "we should do the cake," and I can feel my exit quickly approaching.  "Oh no, I forgot," she replies, "it takes about 15 minutes of thawing before you can serve."  So close!

Fifteen minutes later cake is cut, kids are eating and I'm thinking my grocery store trip is out of the question and my dream dinner just turned into tuna with strangers but at least there was still time left to enjoy the evening at home.  This hope was destroyed as I hear party mom announce to the group, "oh my goodness, we forgot the pinata."  Trying to get Jackson home after he'd had heard the word pinata would have been like trying to pull me away from a party in college before the free keg was dry, it just wasn't going to happen.  And so I sat through the debate of where to hang the pinata, followed by the debate of what to hit it with, followed by a pinata pounding from 12 kids that didn't put so much as a dent into the damn thing.  Another turn for each kid, followed by another, followed by party mom slashing the pinata with a knife in an effort to make it easier to open, followed by another round of worthless hits, followed by the God given gift of another parent who was having as much fun as myself at this point and took it upon himself to hop in the whacking line and knock the shit out of the pirate hat that would not crack! 

Three hours and forty five minutes after arriving Jackson said his thank you's to party mom and party dad and we headed home in just enough time for, well, nothing!

Red Bull IV's and Wal Mart's Finest: Editor's Faves!



As a “mommy blogger” I’m constantly checking out other “mom” sites.   Obviously through this process I’ve ran into quite a few product review sites.  I think these sites are great, however, as a full-time working mother of two boys I look at my blog less as another revenue generator (although if you’re reading this Oprah, we totally need to hook it up!), and more as my little attempt at comedy in this crazy world.

That said, I do find the whole product endorsement aspect of a blog interesting.  Not because I want to tell people how fabulous I think something is and make money (although again, that would be nice, yes Wal Mart family I'm talking to you), but because I want to tell people how fabulous I think something is because I have found that I am pretty much always right and would like to share some of my uncanny wisdom with others. 

And so, I give you the first installment of Mommy’s Juice totally free product endorsements (with the caveat that should the brand manager from any of the below products feel the need to compensate me for this invaluable marketing opportunity I am free at all hours of the day to discuss!):

1. Stouffer’s Lasagna: has there ever been an easier or tastier dinner for a family of four?  Aside from the KFC 8 piece, I’m going to go ahead and say NOT!

2. Clorox Wipes: these handy little fella’s make you actually feel like you live in a clean house, when in actuality you’ve just disguised utter filth in high traffic areas for that Saturday night dinner party, while making sure no one opens the “closed doors” to see your true housekeeping skills.

3. Wal Mart French Toast: the “ultimate’ sweet breakfast treat for those of us that “love” to cook. Just call me Betty Crocker!

4. Stemless Wine Glasses: assuming that most of my readers have children, I feel this product requires no explanation!

5. Red Bull: why in the hell does this not come in an IV!  Throw in a shot of vodka for an even better review!