Have you noticed how your entire vocabulary tends to change once you have kids? Lately I feel like I speak a new language, one that I call “Mommy Speak.” The most obvious change for a potty mouth like myself, was of course curbing the profanity. I realized this was necessary when my mother came to visit last December. We were driving down to Denver when Jackson, my then two year old, had a problem with his DVD player in the backseat and yells s**t! A grin spreads across my mom’s face as I explain sternly, “Jackson, we do not use that word!” Her grin then turns in to a full blown laugh as he replied back, “that’s right, only mommy and daddy use that word.” From that day on my F bombs became ‘effing and phrases like darn, phooey and shucks replaced some of my favorite adjectives, nouns and verbs.
In addition to watching our profanities my husband and I have also started a “spelling bee” vocabulary in our home. This is where you don’t want the kids to hear what you are saying so you spell out the words. For instance, “would you like to take the kids to the P-A-R-K,” or “how about I make T-A-C-O-S for dinner?” This form of communication actually started before we had kids when we were trying to keep things from Boone, our chocolate lab, “want to take B-O-O-N-E on a W-A-L-K?” Until our oldest learns to spell this should be an effective way of keeping him from getting too excited about something before its actually confirmed to happen. Unless of course the question is something like, “should we get a B-O-U-N-C-Y H-O-U-S-E for his B-I-R-T-H-D-A-Y P-A-R-T-Y?” Questions like that just open up too much room for mistakes in which my husband and I can make fun of how stupid the other is. And honestly, he’s a better speller.
Then there’s the all new bodily function talk that moms start to pick up. This includes lovely words like toots, poop and potty. And the answer is yes, I do feel completely ridiculous when asking my son in public “sweetie, does that toot mean you need to go poop on the potty.” But what’s my alternative, “honey, I hear you passing gas, does this mean you need to go have a bowel movement in the restroom?” I’ll go for poop on the potty any day over that.
Finally there's of course, baby talk. This is one in which I have attempted to have no part of. I promise you won’t hear any “goo goo ga ga’s” coming out of this mouth. But I will admit I have come close, repeating phrases to the boys like “who is the cutest baby in the world, you are, that’s right you are.” My brother-in-law once heard me in one of these moments and replied quietly to my sister “Shiloh Pitt.” This was of course before Angelina and Brad started letting her dress like a boy.
So next time you hear a mom at the grocery store scream out “H-E-double hockey sticks,” don’t worry. It just means the cutest kid in the world has ‘effing pooped his pants and phooey she forgot a change of clothes so they won’t be going to get P-I-Z-Z-A when they leave. Darn it, she was actually looking forward to that!