Mommy's Juice!: Childbirth is NOT a Miracle!   

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Childbirth is NOT a Miracle!

Warning, the next person who tries to tell me what a “miracle” child birth is should brace themselves for the blow to the head they are about to receive.  Days after I had my first son, in the middle of one of his colic fits, I sat rocking him in my living room while my mom watched on with that goofy look in her eyes that people get when they want to cry with joy.  She says, “isn’t childbirth just a miracle?”  “No mom,” I said, “it would be a miracle if I could get him to shut up!”
The definition of a “miracle” according to Webster’s Dictionary is: an extraordinary event manifesting divine intervention in human affairs.  So can someone explain to me what is extra “ordinary” in an occasion that happens over 4 million times a year in this country?  And God only knows how often in those smaller countries that don't have the morning after pill as readily available as us fortunate Americans do. 
That said, childbirth is not a miracle and should not be confused with one. 
To help clear this matter up, I will provide for you a few examples of true miracles:
#1 Doctor’s begin prescribing something for infant’s with colic, cold or other ailments for which they are screaming their heads off in pain about, instead of informing us, "it will eventually work itself out."
#2 The price of a can of formula is reduced to under $10.
#3 Mom’s pre-pregnancy body falls right back in to place exactly 1 minute after delivery. 
#4 Better yet, mom is rewarded with the return of her 18 year old body for all she has been through.
#5 Babies are born with their full set of teeth, completely eliminating any future “teething” drama.
#6 Babysitting rates fall below $5/hour allowing mom and dad the occasional night out at a restaurant that doesn’t have crayons at the table.
#7 The Wiggles ratings plummet with all episodes being eliminated from existence.
#8 Let’s go ahead and add Barney to that too. 
#9 Doctor’s clear alcohol as not a detriment to pregnancy but a benefit to the child’s growth during the nine-month pregnancy which let’s face it, is when we need booze the most.
#10 Father’s automatically become able to breastfeed upon child’s birth, while mommy is able to flaunt the resurrected 18 year-old breasts miracle number 4 has granted her.
These, my friends, are miracles.  Childbirth, while a true blessing and an experience to be forever cherished, is not a miracle.  Unless of course, your husband is the one delivering!


  1. Hilarious! Oh, to have my 18 year old body- or to have at least known then what I had, lol.